When life gives you lemons… sometimes you just sign the papers and start over! Welcome to the ultimate collection of divorce jokes — where laughter heals heartbreak and humor turns alimony into amusement.
Whether you’re newly single, long divorced, or just enjoy a good laugh about love gone wrong, this list has something for you.
From short divorce jokes to spicy one-liners and even dirty divorce jokes, you’ll find the funniest takes that’ll make you grin through the grin and bear it.
Short Divorce Jokes
💔 My ex and I split everything fifty-fifty — except the house. She got it, and I got the bills.
😂 My marriage license turned out to be a learner’s permit.
🥴 Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener — divorce is the eye doctor.
😅 I told my ex I’d never forget her. Turns out, forgetting is my superpower.
🤣 The judge asked if I had any final words before the divorce. I said, “Yes—finally!”
💼 Divorce is when two people stop lying about being happy.
👋 My ex took the kids, the car, and the couch. I kept my sanity — I think.
💘 Marriage is grand, divorce is about ten grand.
🥲 My ex-wife said she missed me — but her aim’s improving.
😂 I told my therapist I’m afraid of commitment. He said, “You’re divorced. Mission accomplished.”
💵 My lawyer said my divorce would cost $10,000 or half my soul — whichever was worth less.
😎 I got half my ex’s stuff in the divorce, but somehow all her drama.
💬 Marriage is like a deck of cards — you start with two hearts and a diamond, end up wishing for a club and a spade.
🙃 My ex said she needed space. I gave her the whole house.
🧾 The only time I said “I do” and didn’t regret it was when the judge asked, “Do you understand the terms?”
😅 Divorce isn’t the end — it’s just the end of bad Wi-Fi and arguments about dishes.
👀 I lost half my money in the divorce. The other half left with her.
💔 My ex got the dog. Now even the dog’s ignoring me on Instagram.
🕺 Divorce is like doing laundry — you separate before things get too dirty.
😂 I asked my ex if we could still be friends. She said, “Sure — just not online, in person, or ever.”
Divorce Jokes One Liners
💬 My ex-wife’s cooking made me file for divorce — and a restraining order from the kitchen.
😂 I told my ex she was perfect. Then I realized I was wrong twice.
🥴 Love fades, alimony doesn’t.
😎 Marriage taught me patience; divorce taught me budgeting.
💵 My ex took half my money — I took the half with peace.
🤣 Marriage is a workshop — where the husband works and the wife shops.
😅 My ex wanted a fair share. I told her fairness ended with our vows.
💔 I called my ex a hurricane — loud, destructive, and named after something I never want again.
😂 Divorce: the most expensive way to learn self-care.
😏 My ex said she’d always love me — turns out “always” meant until Tuesday.
🥂 Cheers to my ex — for showing me how happy I could be alone.
💼 Marriage was a sentence; divorce was the punctuation.
💘 I thought my ex and I had chemistry — turns out it was just toxic gas.
😜 Divorce lawyers should get frequent flyer miles for all the emotional baggage they handle.
🤣 I told my ex I was seeing someone new. She said, “Get an eye exam.”
😅 My ex is like a broken pencil — pointless.
💔 Marriage is a fairy tale — until you meet the trolls in court.
💬 I told my ex she was my everything. Now I have nothing, and it feels great.
😂 I didn’t lose a spouse — I gained closet space.
🥴 My ex said I’d never find someone like her. That’s the plan.
Dirty Divorce Jokes
🔥 My ex said she wanted more space in bed — so I slept in the living room.
😏 Divorce taught me two things: don’t share your passwords or your bed.
🍷 My ex’s new boyfriend called me for advice. I told him to stretch before running away.
😉 Love may be blind, but the lawyer sees everything.
😂 My ex said she’d “find herself” after the divorce. I hope she gets lost again.
🥴 Marriage was hot and steamy — like a sauna. Divorce was the cold shower.
😈 My ex said I’d never satisfy another woman. Jokes on her — I’m single and stress-free.
😂 Divorce is like detox — painful but necessary after years of bad habits.
💔 I asked my ex what went wrong. She said, “You.” I said, “At least I was consistent.”
💃 I’m not saying my ex was bad in bed, but even Alexa refused to play mood music.
😅 My ex said I didn’t listen enough. I said, “What?”
🥴 I thought our love life was dead — turns out it was just on someone else’s calendar.
🤣 My ex said she wanted more excitement. Now she’s dating a magician. Poof — he’s gone.
🔥 I told my ex I was too hot to handle. She said, “You were lukewarm at best.”
😂 Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy. Divorce is the ceasefire.
😜 My ex’s idea of romance was changing the Netflix password.
😉 My divorce diet works wonders — lose weight and emotional baggage.
🤣 I told my ex I’d change. She said, “The locks first.”
💔 My ex said she needed freedom. Now she’s free and broke.
😂 I told my lawyer I wanted custody of the Wi-Fi.
Bad Divorce Jokes
🤦♂️ My marriage ended because I left the toilet seat up… on her birthday.
😂 My ex said I wasn’t spontaneous enough. So I surprised her with divorce papers.
💔 I asked my lawyer if I’d ever remarry. He said, “Not if you read the fine print.”
😅 Marriage taught me compromise — like agreeing she’s always right.
🤣 My ex said she’d keep half of everything. Guess that includes my sanity.
🥴 Marriage is a lot like math — you add love, subtract freedom, and divide property.
😂 My ex and I were like oil and water — except oil is cheaper.
💼 My lawyer told me not to worry — then sent the bill.
💔 My marriage lasted longer than my New Year’s resolutions.
😂 My ex said she’d never talk to me again. Best gift ever.
😏 I told my ex she could keep the TV. She said, “Fine, I already have your Netflix login.”
🤣 Love is forever… until the prenup expires.
💔 My ex called me immature. I said, “No take-backs!”
😂 Marriage is the leading cause of divorce — who knew?
😜 I told my ex we needed space. She said, “Outer space?”
🥴 Our love was like Wi-Fi — great signal until we moved apart.
🤣 Marriage is grand, divorce is six figures.
😂 My ex said she missed the old me. I said, “He’s single now.”
💔 I wanted a fair trial. The judge said, “This is divorce court, not Disneyland.”
😅 I told my ex she’d regret leaving me. Turns out she’s really good at not regretting things.
Divorce Jokes Reddit
💬 Reddit taught me you can’t spell “divorce” without “do I regret everything?”
😂 My ex said she’d never date anyone like me again. Reddit agrees — she should keep that promise.
🥴 My divorce announcement got more upvotes than our wedding post.
🤣 I asked Reddit for relationship advice. They said, “Don’t.”
💔 Marriage advice on Reddit: Don’t marry someone who laughs when you cry — unless it’s at these jokes.
😅 My ex said she needed space. Reddit said I need therapy.
😜 I posted about my divorce on Reddit. Someone commented, “Welcome to Level 2 of adulthood.”
😂 Marriage was a closed subreddit. Divorce reopened the thread.
🔥 My ex got the car, I got Reddit Gold. Fair trade.
🤣 I found my ex’s Reddit account. Turns out she’s been “venting” for years.
💬 Someone on Reddit asked if marriage is worth it. I said, “Only for the memes.”
😅 I told Reddit I was getting divorced. They replied, “Finally, some good news.”
💔 My ex said I’d never find love again. Reddit said, “Try r/datingoverthirty.”
😂 Marriage is just multiplayer depression. Divorce is single-player peace.
🥴 My ex joined a support group. I joined Reddit. Guess who’s happier?
🤣 Reddit says laughter heals. My lawyer says bills don’t.
💘 Someone asked how I’m doing post-divorce. I said, “Like a deleted comment — gone but not forgotten.”
😂 Reddit saved my sanity. My ex saved my number for blocking.
🥂 I got more karma from my divorce joke than love from my marriage.
Ex Wife Jokes One Liners
😅 My ex-wife’s cooking was so bad, the smoke alarm filed for divorce first.
💔 My ex-wife’s new boyfriend is perfect — for her.
😂 My ex-wife and I are still friends. Mostly because she’s friends with my lawyer.
🥴 My ex-wife told me I’d never replace her. I said, “Good, I’m not that desperate.”
🤣 My ex-wife’s laugh still haunts me — mostly during alimony payments.
😜 My ex-wife said I was immature. I said, “No, you’re immature infinity times!”
💘 My ex-wife’s favorite game was hide and spend.
😂 My ex-wife called to say she misses me. I told her she’s probably drunk.
💼 My ex-wife wanted the last word. So I let her have the lawyer’s number.
💔 My ex-wife took the house. I took the mailbox. We both got what we wanted.
😅 My ex-wife’s new husband is just like me — poor and confused.
🤣 My ex-wife was a magician. She made my money disappear.
😂 My ex-wife said I never listened. I think that’s what she said.
🥴 I told my ex-wife she’d regret leaving me. She said, “Try me.”
😎 My ex-wife still texts me. Must be muscle memory.
💔 My ex-wife is like my Wi-Fi — weak signal, expensive plan.
😂 My ex-wife and I agree on one thing: we should never agree again.
😅 My ex-wife wanted a fairy-tale wedding. She got the happily never after.
🤣 My ex-wife’s smile is contagious — it costs me monthly.
💬 I told my ex-wife I missed her. She said, “Duck next time.”
Conclusion
Divorce isn’t funny when it’s happening — but laughing about it afterward? That’s the real therapy. These divorce jokes, one-liners, and cheeky ex-wife zingers prove that humor can heal even the deepest paper cuts from legal documents.
Whether you’re venting, reminiscing, or just laughing at the absurdity of relationships, these jokes let you take life a little less seriously and smile again — even if your lawyer didn’t.
